So last Thursday night I joined the gym. I joined the Women’s fitness center. It’s called VI fitness. It’s only for women. This was very nice, and helped a little with my decision to start working on my physical health.  I decided it was time to do something. Though my knee is still not recovered and I am waiting for surgery. But I could not put it off any further. What would happen if I didn’t have surgery for 2 yrs? I did not want to think of that, its starting to get depressing. I have gained so much wait and have become so inactive. My main focus and goal is to gain back my activity level. I want to be fit and feel good about myself again. I feel if I can achieve this then maybe Ii can ease some of my anxiety about going out in public and having a life again. Currently I have no self esteem and have been fairly depressed. As well I have strong social anxiety. I do not like to go anywhere on my own and hate buses or having to get around on my own cause I have panic attacks, so if im waiting for a bus or get stranded since they don’t run very often..  I panic. So I usually stay home unless im with cole. Im hoping joining the gym will help change this as I have to go out at least twice a week. I signed an 18month contract hoping that it will push me to go even if I don’t want to. But it was a pretty good deal. $39.95 a month everything included like yoga classes and fitness courses. Im hoping that I can get Rae-Anne or a couple friends to come with me to some of the classes as im not sure I could do that on my own right now. The gym is the first of many steps but I won’t push myself.

 I think my biggest fear of all with this is my levels. For the last 2 yrs they have been under 10 and pretty much perfect. My closest friends and my mom all tell me constantly not to worry about my weight cause all that matters are my levels , and if I start working  out and stressing my body it may cause them to start moving around and not be as stable. That scares be beyond belief. I do not want to loose my control. There is a nutrionist at the gym but I won’t let them touch my diet.  I don’t want them messing with what I eat or changing my calories. I finally have a schedule and diet that works for me. What I want now is to find a work out routine that won’t interfere with that and will get me active again.

Last night was my first work out at the gym. I was there for 6:00pm and the manager Heather showed me the circuit and cardio machines. Then at 6:15 she started me on the circuit on my own and told me to go though it twice but only one rep of 12 per machine. It took me till 6:45 and then she had my on the bike for 20 mins. I though that I was going to be feeling it today as I felt like I was riding a horse for hrs when I finished and was walking funny. But today I feel fine, except my abs are a little sore. lol. I look forward to going again tomorrow!

I'll keep you posted on my progress. My goals are to gain back my activity level, to swim with out pain, walk with out pain, strengthen my knee, and also to loose approx 50lbs by late June. The weight is not what is important. Yeah it would be nice, but I just want my life back. I use to be very active but not in good health. This time I want to do it right and maintain my health. I want to feel great and look great. This is something I am doing for myself and no one else.